I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
