They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
