You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
