I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize