Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
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