i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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