somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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