Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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