new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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