True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I will be naked everywhere
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
