sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize