I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Randomize
