I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
