there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
