You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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