The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
