I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
