He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
