Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
