I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
