I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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