I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
