God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
