She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
whose parrot is this?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
