She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
