i may or may not be watching the land before time
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
