Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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