oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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