mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
People in love make me want to vomit
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
