smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
