The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Be still, my beating vagina.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize