my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
