I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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