i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize