you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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