i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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