I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize