if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
