I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We had sex on a dog bed..
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I want to fling myself into the sun
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
