Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
