he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
