in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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