We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
