i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
