genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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