Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize