my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
