waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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