I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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