My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
