Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
