I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
