going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
