Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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