I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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