Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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