Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
