why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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