Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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